Saturday, March 26, 2011

Alone and Alright

If, for just one day, to feel a moment of love; a dream, a laugh, a kiss, a cry, our rights, our wrongs, would be all worth the ride, even if it were a short one.

This lonely boy is right where he wants to be, finding solace in solitude, relying on myself and aiming my eyes to nature for comfort. No one at my side to hurt me, disregard my feelings, under-appreciate or fight with me about petty character flaws. I have no regrets for this or any of the other countless heartbreaks my adventures in finding love have taken me to. This, a new-found, self-imposed asexuality of sorts.

I'm fulfilled by faithful "mister handy", my new MAC Powerbook and my body pillow at night...sheltered and quarantined from psychological traumas, overactive egos, self-centered queens unable to love and STD's, of course. There is unsurprisingly zero drama when I am not partnered up. I have more time to dedicate myself to my career, hoarding my nuts for the winter and spending quality time teaching my nephew the subtle differences in the sounds of crickets, frogs and birds in the wild.

My heart, locked away in its gilded cage, it's sweet disposition maintained, still supple, alive and well, not yet embittered or hardened by life's knocks and heartbreaks. I remain, open to love's magic, curveball-surprise that can change your life forever.

Yet, I am stripped of any effort or desire to seek out a new challenge. He will have to seek me out or at least it will have to happen organically. I fantasize, visualizing a faceless human with a heart larger than mine and capacity for loyalty that finally matches my own. He may never materialize or even exist but imagining him makes me feel hopeful that he does, somewhere, out there, in this big-bubble of 6 billion people. Until then, I will be thankful to be alive, well, surrounded by loved ones and not stuck in a relationship with someone that is totally wrong for me.

My heartbroken friend confesses over the phone, "I need to be more of an asswhole.". I disagree and tell him the world has plenty of asswholes already, "You stay just the way you are and work on being a better man-You do you."

For now, that's what I will do as well. I'll "do me" and work to improve my relationship...with my-self.

"I never found the companion that was so companionable as solitude."- Henry David Thoreau