How Do You Mend a Gay Broken Heart

Damn, Damn, Damn it, I did it again! Check me into Heartbreak Hotel. Another failed love, another risk, gain, then horribly tragic loss. When will I learn? Learn what though? To not love at all? I can't stop loving but I can be wiser in how I love the next time and how I maintain that love. Forgive the autobiographical rant but I am in desperate need of blog-therapy and have discovered that there are absolutely no books out there on how to heal a gay broken heart (I Google'd and Amazon'ed) and there is no pill to take away the pain of the knife wedged in my heart. All I do have is time to process what caused the collapse and in the words of a friend, "take it not day by day but hour by hour".

This love lost was the grandest, most beautiful and real love I ever had in my life, challenging me to the best version of me possible. It renewed my faith that a true and mutual love is possible in the Gay world of today with real morals and real fidelity. It even got me believing in the "M word" (marriage) for the first time. He was my rock, my confidant, my protector, my burning love, my privilege to have and to hold every night.

A guru once said the most difficult people in your life teach you the biggest lessons. In love, one can find the biggest teacher and the highest lessons we can learn in this life. If you can hack it. There are never any guarantees or insurance policies to protect you from a broken heart, no matter whom you choose to love.

I have friends that for over 15 years have been single and its not for lack of being virile, valuable or attractive. They'd rather not risk the pain (at least that's my theory). They are content in their safe, self-reliant bubbles, with no one to let you down except yourself. It takes a huge amount of trust to put your heart in the care of another. Yet, I still believe it is worth the ride and to at least have gathered some beautiful memories that to have none at all. To be content in knowing true love at all. Some never have that luxury in their entire lifetimes. Some are lucky if they can get fresh water for the day or keep their bodies nourished and under shelter. Love is indeed the most expensive, highest and rarest luxury on our blue bubble we call home.

The beautiful spell I was under for almost 2 years has been broken and turned into a beautiful lie overnight. Where's my brokeback cowboy that doesn't know how to quit me? Where is the loyalty that lasts a lifetime? I ran into an elderly couple that have been married for 60 years and they revealed the secret to their marriage was rather simple, back then people would work 13-14 hours a day and by the time the husband came home he'd be too tired to gripe or argue. Ah, ain't love grand?

Am I an outdated dinosaur? Is this kind of love a thing of the past in our throwaway and unsustainable society? Or is it something people will strive towards in our next evolutionary step? Food, energy, transportation, love that lasts; less disposability. An Obama-style overhaul is needed because if that oil spill gushing right now into the Gulf of Mexico has taught us anything is that our old ways are "messy and wasteful" to say the least. Maybe love will be more everlasting as we tire of the newer and newer versions of any given product and learn to stick with what we got and simply improve on how we use it. I may not be an Iphone but I can release improved versions of me as quickly as Apple does.

Here are some self-help steps towards healing a broken heart:

STEP 1- THE MIGHTY CRASH

Whether you catch your loved one cheating or they move out on a moment's notice to be in the arms of their new cheap replacement, is insignificant. What is important is to not do anything you will regret later or get arrested for, no matter how badly they deserve it. Like the gay man in South Beach who found his lover in bed with another and shot his lover then himself in the head, it just isn't worth going to jail for them. The sharp pain of the "crash" must be dealt with immediately and in the healthiest way possible which means to get yourself as far away from the one that hurt you as possible and stay away as best you can. Go to your mother's, your best friend's couch, wherever. Plan your strategy on how to deal with this new challenge life has brought you. The lessons from it won't come until about a month or more after the initial crash. After the first week, you instinctively lean on your tried and true loved ones and friends. Daily doses of Xanax or Prozac isn't a bad idea right about now. Let it all out, cry and cry as much as you can. Stay in bed until you can't any longer. Like singer Robyn wails, it will hurt with every heartbeat. After about the 7th day of holding back tears and punching your shower wall you will begin to desperately yearn to move on and stop looking back. It's now time to go to the next step towards recovery.

STEP #2 COPING WITH THE PAIN

Talk to your friends until you don't want to talk about it anymore. You'll be surprised how many people will open up and share their heartbreaks that are so horrible it'll make your's feel like a cake walk. Work past the emotional phase of blaming yourself. It isn't about you, it's about what they needed. No matter how hard you tried, you could have never filled that void. The two of you were not "meant to be" at least any longer than right now.

STEP #3 FALLING IN LOVE WITH YOURSELF AGAIN

Get your "J" on and touch yourself for as long as you can. Like milk, it's good for you. Learn how to love that man in the mirror you see everyday. Hit the gym again, hardcore especially on the most depressing day of them all for single people-SUNDAY (roll your eyes annoyed like). The day of the week that everyone snuggles up in bed with their loved one to catch up on Z's and watch movies, eating like a flunky from the Biggest Loser. While the love birds go at it, you will be getting ripped, gifting you an admiration for your new found muscle tone. Fall back in love with your IPod and make a "Breakup-Forget the Butthole playlist" because these are the times that silence is anything but golden. Being home in the sudden silence is literally deafening. Being out of the house as much as possible is the best medicine right about now. Suck up that good ol' Miami sun and get nature's "happy hormones" in the form of Vitamin D. The flip side of depression is that you get to lose some of that stubborn fat. I call it the "Depression Diet" others like to call it the "Divorce Diet". Either way, make sure you at least get some protein in the form of a smoothie. Getting hospitalized will not bring the deserter back.
Carefully select your new mantra-songs to uplift, forget and empower. Stay away from the tear jerkers. No Whitney, Celine or Barbara Streisand (The Way We Were). Listen to these "Eye of the Tiger" songs over and over until their lessons are fully ingrained in your psyche and like Stella you slowly regain your "groove". During this phase, you must write down and list all the things the EX didn't or couldn't do to make you happy (You know what they are). It's essential to go through this step so you can identify the right candidate the next time one comes a'knocking. The true test to see if you are beginning to get over the worm is if you can come up with more things that didnt make you happy than did. There IS a reason for this break, you just didn't want to see it as fast as they did. Your reward is that you will be well on your way to officially be over the he\she\it that hurt you in the first place. After the dust has settled, you will identify all the things you forgave that weren't making you happy and quickly realize they really did you a favor.

Relationships are stepping stones until you climb up to your highest love. There are a few rare unicorns out there that are lucky enough to find it on their first try but for the majority of us, it's a lifelong process.

Suicide prevention tip #1

 Never, ever, ever think the person you are currently in love with is the only and last person you can ever be with no matter how much you love them because if for any reason they leave your life, you won't be able to live without them. There are billions of other people on this planet to fall in love with....or at least millions out of those billions...okay, at least a few hundred thousand.

Here's my break-up playlist (feel free to steal away):

Love is Gone by David Guetta

Dont trust the ho- by 3OH!3

Alone by Maya (lyrics begin at 2:25)
Bulletproof by LaRoux
I've Got Soul by The Killers
According to You by Orianthi
With Every Heartbeat by Robyn
Keep on rising by Ian Carey
Flagpole Sitta by Harvey Danger
If I Were a Boy (remix only) by Beyonce'

Leave, get out by Jojo
Only When I Lose Myself by Depeche Mode

Suicide prevention tip #2

Do not under any circumstance listen to Sarah McLachlan or Enya and you are absolutely forbidden from downloading The Crying Game by Boy George.

STEP 4- THE RITUAL OF LETTING GO



If you are still feeling sorry for yourself and can't seem to shake the pain out of your heart and mind, a little telenovela-esque, dramatic ceremony to forget is called for. Gather all flammable items the offender has ever given you (stuffed animals, concert or movie ticket stubs, anniversary or Valentine's day cards, etc) and torch them in a bonfire inside a metallic container. Gather the ashes and take them to the nearest ocean, river or toilet if you live in the sticks. Before you dump the ashes, ritually take in as many deep breaths as the months or years you were together. Visualize all the illusions, broken promises, beautiful words and future plans you may still be carrying get washed away and released along with the ashes as they hit the water. You can keep the fond memories as long as they don't hurt to recall them.



STEP 5- HOLISTIC RETREAT FOR SELF EMPOWERMENT

If you are still being haunted by your heartbreak consider getting out of dodge and attend a holistic retreat for self empowerment via the age old practices of Yoga, Meditation or Buddhism. For those less spiritually inclined, an island getaway for some R&R could be just the trick. Also, it couldn't hurt to volunteer to help the impoverished or those less fortunate. It's a great way to put things into perspective when you see others a lot less fortunate than yourself.

STEP 6- GOOD OLD SCHOOL THERAPY WITH PRESCRIPTION MEDICATION

If any of the above fail then it's time to schedule yourself to see a licensed therapist and some good antidepressants for a short term to finally knock it out of the park. There might be some deeper issues lingering in your psyche that a good therapist might help uncover. Be open to hypno-regression because the problem might just be stemming from a previous lifetime.

Whatever the case, you HAVE to pick up the pieces and put humpty dumpty back together again and believe that the next guy will be better because if he isn't, you'll see it coming...hopefully.

A friend sent me this quote, "When God takes something from your grasp, He's not punishing you, but merely opening your hands to receive something better". Buddhism teaches you that pain is essential to finding the way to a happy life as it helps us like a mouse in a maze to find our cheese, avoiding the traps or pitfalls along the way. The love once had is gone now and it is what it was. You must trudge forth and regain your faith slowly, bit by bit, on your own. Refuse to give up on the belief that love can transform and push you to do remarkable things. A love so pure that ego isn't a player at all. As Depeche Mode sings, "It's only when I lose myself in someone else that I find myself.". Your heart will prevail. You will prevail. Instead of saying "Poor me-forget about love alltogether!" chant "Om Mani Padme Hum" repeatedly until your heart's pain eventually ebbs.

**These tips above can be applied to a heterosexual broken heart as well. Looks like we're not as different as we thought we were.

Where Are Our Gay Super Heroes?

Oprah & Gayle, Batman & Robin, even Flash Gordon & Green Lantern all look gay to me but they are all ambiguously gay or completely on the "Down Low", like SNL's Ambiguosly Gay Duo.

Across the pond, the great Brit's, always one upping us in social acceptance and progressive measures (they've had nationalized health care for years) already has a gay, semi-hero main character in their Sci Fi show, Torchwood.

I guess if I was a superhero and I wanted to save the world, I'd hide my dirty little secret too but this isn't the 1950's of Superman's era, It's 2010 and it isn't a dirty little secret anymore. So where are all the gay super heroes then?

This year we got our Rosa Parks' in the form of the lesbian named Constance McMillan taking her high school to court because she believes in her right to take her girlfriend to her high school prom.

We elected our Martin Luther King in the form of Obama, championing our rights out loud and chipping away at the age old bigotry holding this country back.

I've heard rumors the Rock might be gay. He plays super heroes in his movies- but he isn't out....at least yet.

Oprah is a social super hero, hell she even picked the president of the United States. That's a power gay if i ever saw one but she isn't out...yet.

There's an openly gay mayor in France -that's pretty sweet and he's out but that's France and that whole country is gay. He might step to the plate in 2012 where he is predicted to win the next presidential election.

There is one openly gay world leader in Norway. Prime Minister, Jóhanna Sigurðardóttir. Hopefully she'll get a chance to wield her "gay super powers" and we could finally have our world's first Gay Super Hero.

So the $100 million dollar question is when will the United States have it's first "out" Gay Hero? When will we stop being so gosh-darn apathetically-polite and channel our inner Madonna and strap on some pointy bra's and open up a big old can of whoopass to win equality?

We are the ones we have been waiting for. The second coming of Christ is within each and every one of us. It isn't one guy coming down as an agent for the big he\she\it upstairs, it's the God within us that will come into being, clearing the way, lifting the fog of ages and confusion of religions. If there ever was proof of this power, were the 2008 elections where our country finally got the president we wanted, fair and square.

The next Gay Super Hero can be each and every one of us....gay, straight, bisexual, transgender, humans, all soldiers of peace united in a common cause for equal justice and liberty of all, punching out the Super Villains of hate that divide us and drain our resources as a race. Imagine all the progress we could make in other areas of life if we didn't have to have the hundreds of coalitions fighting for and against gay rights. We could tackle the real issues like preventing the complete destruction of our planet, end starvation and poverty and hey, maybe cure cancer or even the common cold.

Ask yourself what will you do today to contribute to the cause? Will you be our next Super Hero?

Customize this video and visualize yourself saving the world here: http://en.tackfilm.se/?id=1268232928984RA21

New initiative promoting gay american heroes.


Here is a 3-D Video of what the Traveling Rainbow Memorial will look like.
http://www.vimeo.com/2334727

Stan lee creator of Spiderman reported to be creating a new gay superhero:
http://www.telegraph.co.uk/news/worldnews/northamerica/usa/4237161/Stan-Lee-to-create-worlds-first-gay-superhero.html

I Told You So! Ricky Finally Comes Out!

As I blogged about December 17, 2008 and the so many others have conjectured, Ricky Martin -our very own first latino gay role model has finally come out of the closet. It is a day for celebration that he finally feels safe enough and the courage to do so. Maybe it's the Obama administration's new effort to repeal the military's prehistorically outdated policy of "Don't Ask don't Tell" or our new president's myriad of speeches in our favor or the worldwide movement all over the news every day for the last 10 years of our fight for civil rights finally made Ricky Martin think, "Hmm, now that I have all my riches and two little mini-me's, maybe I can do something to give back and help my gay brethren that I've always denied?".

Who knows, if he'll go the way of a true "Superstar" the way Lupe Fiasco so beautifully sings it and "improve on the design"or maybe he'll just be another embarrasment for our cause and go the way of George Michael, Boy George and Richard Simmons, where we'll ultimately be pleading for him to go back into that closet. Whatever the case, thousands of Latin American gays will be a little more inclined to come out now and we just might finally have a really good role model for young gay latinos struggling with their identity.

Ricky martin was quoted on his website “These years in silence and reflection made me stronger and reminded me that acceptance has to come from within and that this kind of truth gives me the power to conquer emotions I didn’t even know existed” "I am proud to say that I am a fortunate homosexual man. I am very blessed to be who I am."

Hat's off to Ricky for finally accepting himself for who he is and coming clean with the rest of the world or at least the 22 people out there that didn't know he was gay yet.

Read the full confession from his website:

"A few months ago I decided to write my memoirs, a project I knew was going to bring me closer to an amazing turning point in my life. From the moment I wrote the first phrase I was sure the book was the tool that was going to help me free myself from things I was carrying within me for a long time. Things that were too heavy for me to keep inside. Writing this account of my life, I got very close to my truth. And this is something worth celebrating.

For many years, there has been only one place where I am in touch with my emotions fearlessly and that's the stage. Being on stage fills my soul in many ways, almost completely. It's my vice. The music, the lights and the roar of the audience are elements that make me feel capable of anything. This rush of adrenaline is incredibly addictive. I don't ever want to stop feeling these emotions. But it is serenity that brings me to where I'm at right now. An amazing emotional place of comprehension, reflection and enlightenment. At this moment I'm feeling the same freedom I usually feel only on stage, without a doubt, I need to share.

Many people told me: "Ricky it's not important", "it's not worth it", "all the years you've worked and everything you've built will collapse", "many people in the world are not ready to accept your truth, your reality, your nature". Because all this advice came from people who I love dearly, I decided to move on with my life not sharing with the world my entire truth. Allowing myself to be seduced by fear and insecurity became a self-fulfilling prophecy of sabotage. Today I take full responsibility for my decisions and my actions.

If someone asked me today, "Ricky, what are you afraid of?" I would answer "the blood that runs through the streets of countries at war…child slavery, terrorism…the cynicism of some people in positions of power, the misinterpretation of faith." But fear of my truth? Not at all! On the contrary, It fills me with strength and courage. This is just what I need especially now that I am the father of two beautiful boys that are so full of light and who with their outlook teach me new things every day. To keep living as I did up until today would be to indirectly diminish the glow that my kids where born with. Enough is enough. This has to change. This was not supposed to happen 5 or 10 years ago, it is supposed to happen now. Today is my day, this is my time, and this is my moment.

These years in silence and reflection made me stronger and reminded me that acceptance has to come from within and that this kind of truth gives me the power to conquer emotions I didn't even know existed.

What will happen from now on? It doesn't matter. I can only focus on what's happening to me in this moment. The word "happiness" takes on a new meaning for me as of today. It has been a very intense process. Every word that I write in this letter is born out of love, acceptance, detachment and real contentment. Writing this is a solid step towards my inner peace and vital part of my evolution.

I am proud to say that I am a fortunate homosexual man. I am very blessed to be who I am.

RM"

Rolling Stone article on his confession: http://www.rollingstone.com/rockdaily/index.php/2010/03/29/yep-hes-gay-ricky-martin-comes-out-of-the-closet/

Ricky Martin recounts the moment he came out with Oprah:

This Gay Rights Tango- Our Dance Towards Full Equality

On December 28th, 2009 Evita Peron's smile beamed down on her country from her Presidential Palace in the heavens above. Always an ardent fighter for the repressed and poor, Latin America's first gay marriage would've brought tears of joy to this goddess of Argentina's history. Evita has said "A decent woman is one who rides roughshod over machos."

This national icon and eternal fag-hag would be proud knowing that in her country, the "gay's" had finally overcome the bully that is the powerful Roman Catholic Church to finally witness the marriage of Latin America's first gay couple. Latin America, like the Middle East has a strong male dominant society where tolerance of sexual diversity is non-existent and violence against gays is a common occurrence. This marriage highlights the cracks in the system that has kept gay communities silent and fearful and that it is indeed crumbling.

A little less free but a lot more gay and happy

This whole marriage thing is a hallmark that we finally have the self-esteem to believe that another man is worth loving for the rest of your life. That we ourselves are good enough to marry another and have a chance at something as sparkling clean as a true love that may last a lifetime. It is a coming of age for a generation of gay men, forging a free and truly gay life for future generations of our gay brethren. In the words of Latin America's first groom, "Because "our" family is worth it.".

Worldwide, the advances have been peppered with setbacks in a strange 1-2 step tango. 3 steps forward, 2 steps back, 1 step sideways, cha cha cha.

Back to America, I wait for my partner of a year and a half to return from our local grocery store to fetch Almond milk when suddenly my 8 year old nephew blurts out, "Tio, I dont want you to be gay anymore!". A pregnant moment of silence later, I whip my head to the back seat and see my nephew avoiding my gaze, visibly upset and looking out the window. This is a boy that has been an integral part of my life for 8 years, and the son of a single mom whom is my sister. He has always accepted me and my life and my partner as normally as anyone would of a normal heterosexual couple. He has simply never known hate and is as pure as the day he was born, which is partly why he can make friends with anyone of any age, color or social class within seconds of meeting them. It is one of his greatest qualities and he's as magnaminous as Obama in that respect. At a loss for words, I ask him, "Why would you say that to me? Who did you talk to about this?". He replied back still looking out the window, "These boys at school said that gays shouldn't be in this country and need to go away.". Black and white images of civil rights protests where policemen spray down black protesters in the middle of the street came to mind. I was being talked about the way the racists in the 60's talked about blacks. They wished they would just all go away. The irony of the account was blaringly obvious. I replied to him "Well, honey you know that is what you call "hate"and when your grandma came to this country from Cuba there were signs posted on buildings saying "No Cubans". It was very hard for her to get a job or to find a place to live because the people in Miami didn't want Cubans in this country either. Since your father is a black man living in Venezuela, he also has to deal with people hating him because of his color. I can't stop being gay any more than your grandmother can stop being Latino or your father being black. The next time you hear those boys saying things like that you stand up to them and tell them that's not right and tell your teacher.". My nephew finally turned away from the window and looks at me with doeful and watery eyes, "Ok Tio, I love you.". I reply, "I love you too."

I recount this incident because there is no greater hypocrisy than when a group that has survived marginalization to go and downplay another marginalized group's struggle. They should be the first one's running to the plate to help fight the battle. When Black religious leaders stand at their podiums and preach that their civil rights movement has nothing in common with ours or that we are "pimping their movement", I call "bullshit" because it IS the same. The same hatred, the same narrow mindedness, the same ignorance, the same rhetoric and the same limitations and dangers to my life. So much so, that the team fighting to overturn Proposition 8 as I write this blog has used the example that our President Obama would never have been born if the laws prohibiting blacks from marrying whites were never overturned in this country.

We are witnessing one of the most crucial battles in American history that may not go in our favor due to an overly conservative Supreme Court but we will keep fighting because it is our right to do so and the limits to our rights are constitutionally wrong.

The growing worldwide tide for our cause may be the only thing to finally wrestle the medieval chokehold the religious right has on this country and it's politics and push our courts to finally overturn this legislated discrimination.

As we look forward to (2010) twenty-ten (doesn't that sound positive?), we see a world wrangling together to help a devastated Haitian country with thousands dead and we are pushed to begin a year with a thoughtful focus on humanity and unity. Hopefully this focus will carry on throughout the year and years to come as we will eventually break through and gain our full equality in this great country where anything is possible. Maybe then we can stop doing this Gay Rights back and forth Tango and finally waltz our asses to our nearest city hall and finally get married.

Gay right's milestones 2009

*Mexico City is first Latin American city to legalize full, gay marriage.
*Uganda plans a bill that would serve a death penalty to homosexuals in that country.
*Obama promises to end Dont Ask Dont Tell to a crowd of gay activists at a fundraiser.
*Argentina passes full gay marriage rights.
*An Argentinian judge puts a hold on Argentina's first gay marriage in order to "review" the ruling then approves after their home province backs the marriage.
*Washington D.C. passes gay marriage.
*New York votes defeats gay marriage bill.
*Portugal passes full gay marriage rights with adoption rights granted by April 2010.
*Voters in Maine vote against gay marriage rejecting the measure.
*The biggest city in America, Houston, Texas elects the first openly gay mayor of any U.S. city.
*California's Supreme Court upholds the discriminatory Proposition 8.
*Sweden approves same sex marriage.
*Iowa and Vermont sign legislation to allow gay marriage.
*Obama signs into law the Matthew Shepard hate crimes act and extends federal benefits to partners of same sex couples.


Milestones to look forward to for 2010

*Hawaii will review legislature to revive civil unions for gays in that state.
*Senator Carl Levin will schedule a hearing to discuss ending the military's Don't Ask Don't Tell policy.
*The Supreme Court will vote on whether or not Proposition 8 should be overturned.

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Time magazine's gay right's timeline:
http://www.time.com/time/interactive/0,31813,1904681,00.html

To get up to date info on the Supreme Court trial go to:
http://www.couragecampaign.org/GetTheTruthOut

Hawaii will vote for Gay Civil Unions this year:
http://www.gayvantage.com/gay-news/hawaii-legislators-to-vote-on-civil-unions-3748291780/

Repeal of the military's Don't Ask Don't Tell to be debated on Capitol Hill 2010:
http://www.huffingtonpost.com/2010/01/14/gay-military-ban-military_n_422893.html

The United States elects it's first openly gay mayor:
http://www.time.com/time/nation/article/0,8599,1947648,00.html

The debbie-downer-Pope at it again-calling gay marriage an "attack"
http://advocate.com/News/Daily_News/2010/01/11/Pope_Calls_Gay_Marriage_an_Attack/

Latin America weds it's first gay couple:
http://news.yahoo.com/video/world-15749633/argentina-hosts-first-gay-marriage-in-latin-america-17352907

Rapture Lost- An Abductee's Lament

Like a huge, hairy, clump of grease clogging the bathroom sink, this public confession has blocked my free flow of writing to this blog for over a month now.

I am an alien abductee, not your average abductee seen time and time again on the big screen. I am absolutely not a helpless victim.

Each night for me since I was old enough to remember, was a struggle. I would do all I could to stay up and not fall asleep like a victimized character in the movie Nightmare on Elm Street, I fought to not fall asleep because I knew that's when Freddy Krueger would come for me. Of course, I knew it wasn't Freddy but their presence in my room in the middle of the night scared me just the same.

It doesn't matter to me if my psychologist mom withholds ajudication regarding my reports of being visited by my otherworldly compadres or that others I tell snicker and secretly think I'm a little nuts. No more proof is necessary for me. The lessons are mine and are a rare gift. I've seen and touched too much to deny away my outlandish nightly journeys.

The problem is now for whatever reason, the visits have long subsided. I guess a mission has been accomplished. I guess their goal of creating a hybrid race with ours has been completed to their satisfaction. After so many years of this "bad romance" I am left yearning for more; missing their weekly presence in my nights and in my psyche. I miss when I would wake up in my bed and see dimensions unfolding before my eyes and the walls of my room undulate as if they were no longer solid. I miss being transformed into a million particles like TV boy from Willy Wonka and feel myself float upwards through my ceiling of my room. I miss the "teaching theater" where so many images were impressed upon me and seeing the genetically perfect hybrids communicating telepathically. I miss being inside their perfect ships with their greenhouses of frozen plants and animals from Earth and how they would come alive at the touch of my finger. I miss feeling my skin stimulated and hair stand on end by knowing they were watching me any where that I went at any given moment. Ahh those were the days.

I don't blame anyone for not believing because to believe it is to allow the biggest mindbend you have ever known, so big that all that you know of human history, religion and taught reality is obliterated, never to be tucked into it's neat little box ever again.

If you think the Evangelical "Ameri-bans" of the world are having a tough time with the whole gay issue, imagine the shit-storm that's gonna hit when we are contacted on a worldwide level. Those god fearin' folks arent going to know what to do with their creation stories they so fervently judge us by. What would happen to religion if people realize Adam and Eve was possibly just a lab experiment by higher life forms seeding this planet as a sort of conservatory for future use? What if "they" are just "us" from the future trying to prevent our own destruction.

What if Jesus wasn't we thought but just an alien with good intentions a' la Mother Teresa? What if the gods on Mount Olympus were just a bunch of folks with some really cool, techy gadgets weve never seen before? How can we suppose to know what's what out in the universe when we just discovered there was water on the moon (2009) and every year we find hundreds of plant and animal species on this planet we didn't even know existed? Our scientists don't even completely understand how our own brains function. Denying ET is out there is the equivalent of an Amazon tribe untouched by modern society suddenly meeting a scientist stepping down from a shiny new helicopter. They'd call him a God and be struck in awe with his magic as well.

A debunker can say these things happen to me because I need the stimulation and am bored with this life. I do need the stimulation and am eternally thankful to be saved from a life of boredom through my trips with them. The same can be said for the millions that believe in a Christ figure they've never seen because they need to. No one has actually found hard evidence of Christ's body yet so many millions still believe. Year after year, there are countless reports of people, pilots, military and police officers from all corners of our globe sighting strange crafts in the sky and there are still so many like me in the closet, afraid of ridicule if they were ever to "come out" with their secret.

There are many who believe that the whole Christ story was copied from other figures to corral and manage the masses. Google these ancient gods; Horus, Mithra, Buddha, Krishna and you will find that they all came before Jesus and they all have uncanny resemblances to the whole Jesus story; virgin birth, born on December 25th, 12 disciples, resurrection, the similarities are so many that blatant plagiarism comes to mind.

We're all just freckles on God's ass and we keep thinking were not only the center of it all but that were all that's out there. Whether you believe in my abductions or not is irrelevant. Like Obama says about our nation's health care, "it isn't about me", there is intelligent life out there and sooner or later we're going to have to deal with that test and the re-examination of our belief systems that inevitably will go along with that historic and much anticipated open worldwide contact. Hopefully, they'll get here before we cook ourselves to death with our addiction to fossil fuels and hesitant dinosaur-esque resistance to change.

I continue to miss the mind-fuck that is. Like a lover that hurts you but you can't get enough of because you know in some way the pain is teaching you something. Lady Gaga coins it perfectly, "you and me can write a bad romance". I guess I have a bad romance with my alien abductors. I am more bored than afrain and I just wanna take a ride....somewhere far out into the unknown. 

In the words of Greg Sandow, "We're dealing with giant questions, questions that challenge our understanding of who we are and where we fit in the universe. Worse still, we can't even imagine the limits of any possible answers. Does that leave us helpless? It shouldn't -- in fact, it can't, if we ever expect to know where we stand. We just have to keep our wits about us, weigh the evidence very carefully -- and agree in advance not to rule anything out."

After more than 35 years and so many extraordinary experiences, lessons and sleepless nights, I'm years past caring if anyone believes me or the repurcussions of this confession. Rather I am more concerned on the continual denial and secrecy revolving this part of our history by various governments all over the planet. This "coming out" is just as important as any other. The discussion needs to be had, our minds must conceptualize more.

I am confident that in our lifetimes, a time will come where everyone will know the truth and the lies will no longer imprison so many. That truth will neutralize and render meaningless all the divisive belief systems of this planet. It will be the single-most unifying event for the human race on this planet and man will be forever improved for it. We need their technology now before we destroy ourselves. Open contact with intelligent life is the missing link that could liberate and catapult humanity from fossil fuel addiction, poverty, resource wars and religious fueled conflicts as well as the war on terrorism. Contact on a global level will not happen until we want it to, until we are ready to receive them.

In a seemingly pre-emptive stance of something to come, the Vatican debates and admits that it is not outside of god's realm for intelligent life to be out there. 11/11/2009. http://www.msnbc.msn.com/id/21134540/vp/33864136#33864136

Abductee support group in New England. http://abcnews.go.com/Primetime/story?id=8330290

Evidence of Alien-Human hybridization- Starchild skull information: http://www.youtube.com/officiallloydpye

To report any sightings or experiences contact MUFON: http://www.mufon.com/

A good site for more information on abduction experience:
http://www.crystalinks.com/abduction.html

Jaguar-Ville Coming Soon to a TV Screen Near You

On my the morning of my 40th birthday, I sip coffee taking an unusual pause to savor it's black-bittersweet goodness and then take a conscious, deep breath for the first time as a sporty-40 year old Latino, gay, American man. It's disorienting to have a self-conceptualized age clash so drastically with your real one, In my mind I stopped aging at 28.

I absorb the energy and electricity of the highway below my balcony and notice a billboard just put up the night before, announcing a new TV show with Courtney Cox called CougarTown. It's set in South Florida and is about a Cougar divorcee' realizing truths about aging and dating. I snicker at the clever title for a new, cool show that may or may not be a hit. It made me think of the nicknames or epithets we create for each other. All the categories and containers that us humans love to put ourselves in. Like a farmer sorting his livestock into different pens, humans like to coin nicknames to group types of people. I guess it's some primal survival instinct to put people into logical containers so we know what to expect from them. I never felt like I belonged to any typical gay-nickname container group. I related to being a latino and American but not the everyday-gay you see around. I believe the minute you completely own the title society gives you, you are in essence contained and as a result limited to other experiences out of that box. Like a Cuban or Argentinian that can't conceive of any other latin culture as great as his own. We run the risk of becoming ethno and homo-centric all at once.

I don't relate to leather queens, so I'm not a leather daddy. I'm not a Cub or a Chub Chaser. I'm definitely not a Twink nor am I a Muscle Queen. I'm not a Tweakerella (druggged up gay) or a self-hating gay. I'm not a Fem nor am I a Butch. I'm close to being one of those "straight-acting gays" only that I don't "act" straight, I'm just a masculine gay guy and am completely healthy in expressing and defining my emotions. I guess I could be close to an Otter (a tall, thin, hairy gay guy) but I'm not hairy.

After all this thinking (this coffee's got me running circles in my mind) I realize there isn't a term for an older, (40+), hot gay guy that may or may not date younger men like "Cougar" is for older straight, hot women. I rack my head for a nickname fitting enough to describe this social group left out of our everyday vocabulary. "Sugar Daddy" is close but has a negative connotation of a loveless relationship where an over-the-hill kind of guy pays younger boys to be with him. There has to be a more dignified term for such virile, accomplished, balanced and yes, still hot, gay man. Then we have the new "GRAMP" group which is a new term for a "gay-rich-alone-middle aged-positive" gay man but that's a bit sad and not as funny or light as "Cougar". It'd have to be a species of cat such as Cougar for the simple reason that both like to hunt fresh meat. Gray Wolf came through my mind but not all 40+ men are graying. Hmm, Puma...nah. That connotates a youthful energy or a young-buck kind of gay. Then my boyfriend suggested, Jaguar and with the speed of a brief gay gasp, a new container was born!

Jaguar's are fierce creatures to contend with; fast, strong, slick, elegant, powerful, excellent hunters and like the car -very sporty and slick. So the next time you see a 40+ guy with a sexy, young number on his arm. Say to yourself, "Check out that Jaguar over there. He's an older guy that's still got it going on." So there you have it. You have full permission to steal it. I eagerly await the moment someone first calls me a Jag, there certainly are worse names someone can call you.

Only thing is, although it would be a compliment, I don't feel like a Jaguar and I've never really felt ONLY gay--I like to think myself in Walt Whitman terms, "I am large, I contain multitudes.". I feel like so many things more than any one title can define. So when the novelty or humor of the labels like Cougar, Jaguar, Otter, Twink, Breeder, Diesel-Dyke or whatever, wear off and the pendulum swings from trying so hard to fit in a group to finally realizing we are all one with a whole lotta' different colors, maybe then we'll get "it"- and our labels won't limit us anymore. The stereotypes will finally be outgrown and shed like tortoises' shells. We will finally be free to surprise people again, contain "multitudes" and maybe just grow up enough to stop calling each other names at all.

Cougar Town:


What is a GRAMP?http://www.bilerico.com/2009/08/hes_in_love_with_a_gramp_gay_rich_alone_middle-age.php

What is a gay Otter or Wolf?
http://answers.yahoo.com/question/index?qid=20070222165717AAN3nSu

Article on Cougars:
http://www.webmd.com/sex-relationships/features/dating-older-women-does-age-matter?page=2

A new kind of gay, the "Straight edger":
http://www.gaysofla.com/content/view/21/1/

Origin of gay sea otter term-perhaps http://lordsofapathy.blogspot.com/2007/03/gay-otters-terrorize-on-lookers-at-zoo.html